Matters of the heart

ashentara

Great pic, wow!!! lOve the colour and the haircut.

Well today was a good today, tonight I mean. I jsut came home from my volleyball game (brand new season just started today). I'd really missed the game during summer break.. and lo and behold, we have a couple of new players. One of which.. is totally... damn. Eye candy. And nice. And funny. And a very good player.
Oh, and single. I'm totally into him already, which scares me a bit, but at the same time, it's kinda cool, because to be honest, ever since Chad, no one had made me smile like that... I felt a real connection, but hm.. I'm a little rusty on the dating thing, so I'm gonna need advice you guys!

I'll see him about twice a week from now on for practice and games, and I hope to get to know him better. Damn I sound like a 13 year old, don't I.

Ok what would you do in my position?

SuperGinge

ashentara

Yeah I'm thinking that against all my impulses (bad impulses!) I should give it some time, after all, I've only seen the guy twice, like 8 hours in total lol, that's not much is it.
We did go for a drink after the game yesterday and I drove him back to his car, but yeah, I'm gonna take a breather and let a few days go before I do anything stupid lol

My birthday is coming up soon so I'm gonna have a party and make sure to invite him of course he he he.

SuperGinge

Sounds like the best plan, just take things slowly.

ashentara

ah ha Ive exchanged a few mails with my ... crush lol

this so reminds me of Chad at the beginnning, so weird
same connection
I'll let yous kno what happens. So far we're in the "best friends, same sense of humour, etc" stage.

ehhehhehe

it feels so good you know to actually fantasize about someone else... for those of you who know my history... this is quite the step forward isn't it

ashentara

and a couple mails/texts later it's still as good

feeback peeps!!!!please

TreeHeart

Sounds good! Just let it happen I suppose is the best thing and if it seems like yous are both on the same wavelength then you'll know. I am so bad at dating advice. Since I haven't in like forever!
We didn't have email or texts back then.!

Helen

awww Manu this sounds good

Glad you able to move on a little after Chad - i know it must be difficult.

I guess you need to take things slowly

ashentara

Slowly is not my thing, it seems.
I tried, honest

lol

I invited him over for dinner on Saturday with a couple other friends. Haven't heard back from him yet. Fingers crossed! Either he's into me too, or he's just gonna think I'm a pain in the ass stalker.
Either way, I'll know...

Helen

good luck Manu

ashentara

well he sent me a mail saying he'll be there.

That's good news right?

We barely know each other, seen each other only twice lol, I can't believe I invited him over for dinner!! But hey. What's done is done rofl

SuperGinge

Aww that sounds great Manu! Hope it goes well!

I've just got back from The Maccabees, such an amazing gig. I may or may not wake up with a black eye tomorrow.

ashentara

Well we had a great night on Saturday. He was the only guy there as my friends' hubbies/boyfriends had bailed out last minute (men...), so i was a bit worried that he'd find it strange to be there with 4 gals and 4 kids too.. but it went awesome.
We had a great meal, we talked a lot, even played a few games.. all in all very nice.

My daughter absolutely loves him, which is weird because she's usually much more.. apprehensive of people she doesn't know (especially men - lack of father figure I guess). But I don't know, she just took to him immediately, he spent an hour reading her a bedtime story, and she hasn't stopped talking about him since. She said she'd like him to be my bf and I should invite him to the restaurant. lol kids!!!

Nothing happened of course, but I felt the connection. We'll see how it develops over time, but honestly, I hadn't felt that since Chad (and never before Chad either), so I'm a bit dumbfounded. Here is a pic of him and Gabby
sorry about the bad, bad quality, it was taken from my mobile, and it was quite late (I guess I had trouble focusing ha ha).

TreeHeart

awww that sounds great, really. Do you have anything else coming up you can invite him to? To be in a non date environment again?

ashentara

yeah my birthday is coming up on the 25th so I'll have a party of some sort

ashentara

I've got a date tomorrow

lallalallaala

ashentara

and no one cares but I do loalalalallalal

lol

Helen

MANU! full details afterwards please

good luck

ashentara

of course you'll get the details.

He'll be here to pick me up in half an hour. I'm so nervous lolllll

ashentara

What a weird, weird night that was. He just left.. it's around 2am here.
We went for drinks, then picked up some food and came back to my place to eat and drink some more

we talked a lot, about a lot of things.. it's very strange. We have an awful lot in common, regarding personnalities, we're very similar on so many levels that I lost count...
He too felt that connection I felt the first time we met... we can't really explain it... the conversation flowed very well, he got me very naturally to talking about Chad (something I very rarely do any more, trust me, especially with new people in my life), and it was so easy to confide in him, and even to cry when it got too emotional. And what he said was all.. so perfect, you know?
He told me lots of very personal things too, adding afterwards that it was the first time he ever shared some of those things and it was weird because we barely knew each other...
I can't help but feel like I've found another soul mate, or a brother maybe, something like that. I don't know if it will develop into something more romantic... We discussed it briefly (awkward subject to discuss after all) and he said something along the lines of "if it's meant to be then it will be".
Not sure how to take that. before tonight I thought I was ready to take things to a different level, but strangely enough, tonight felt just perfect the way it was, and when we kissed goodbye, we hugged, but friendly hug you know, and I didn't feel like throwing myself into his arms either.
I guess it will take some time to get things to mature a bit, I don't know... yep, very weird.

what do you guys think?

TreeHeart

Well it does sound like you both had a good night! As he said, where it goes from there is not decided yet, but you seem happy just to have him in your life either way.

In my own experience, being friends and being able to confide in a guy does not mean there will never be a chance of a romantic connection. 11 1/2 years later says it can happen

SuperGinge

Aww that sounds like a lovely night Manu!

Like he said, if it's meant to happen, it will happen. Just let things develop and take their own course.

ashentara

Thanks guys

I guess i will let it take its course, though I have kind of a bad feeling about it.. dunno, we exchanged a couple of mails today, and then he just left it at that.. though I'd broached a very personal question in one of my mails..
it feels like I'm investing more in this than he is.

I've considered avoiding him for a while, becoming invisible you know... (coz absence makes the heart grow fonder ha ha), but I don't know. He seems like the kind of guy who won't make the first move, whether for friendship or otherwise. so I don't know if I should push it a bit more or just let it be (and risk "losing" him entirely, save for a few chats here and there during volleyball practise). I don't know.
I'm not gonna do anything crazy, at least not tonight, I've learnt my lesson. Now I hide my phone in the living room at night so that if I'm tempted to call/text someone at 3am, I don't - coz those are the calls you usually regret lol.

Pfffff, dunno what to do!!!! Very annoying.

SuperGinge

I say go for it!

ashentara

wEll I invited him over for dinner and made my very famouse lasagna, and we spent so much time talking and gushing about stuff like "oh my god, you too !!!!" that it didn't leave time for anything else.
Pff.

Need a different strategy lol

Ham of the Problematique

Ahh that's frustrating, but promising at the same time! I hope all that goes well. Are you going to see him again soon?

I'm trying to work up the courage to ask someone out for a coffee at the moment, having broken up with Jake a few weeks ago. I went to a lecture from my friend's course today to 'accidentally' bump into him

I swear I *will* ask him out eventually, it's just finding a way of phrasing it... any thoughts?

ashentara

not right now, but I'm totally sleep-deprived so my brain is gone too. I will think about it and come back to you though.

accidentally bumping into him lol I'm sure when I'm in a retirement home I'll still be using that technique. Girly, but efficient!!!!

Ham of the Problematique

Hehe, yep. I'll probably see him next on Tuesday (unless I do actually accidentally bump into him before then

) so get your thinking caps on, people! I need help!!

SuperGinge

Just be honest with him, and ask him if he wants to go for a coffee sometime.

Ham of the Problematique

Ahhhhh I bumped into him today, unprepared!

Now this is maddening:

I saw him go into a cafe on campus so I decided to go in and get a pot of tea. I then went and sat down on the table opposite him (he was outside sat alone writing poetry) and there was no one between us. So quite soon after I sat down, he looked up at me and I looked back at him and smiled, then he started talking to me - GOOD SIGN.

He remembered me from yesterday and we got talking for ages about things, and after a few minutes he asked me to come and sit with him at his table. I did, and we carried on talking. It turns out he is a published poet (I'm melting with deliciousness already, him being so attractive and a POET) and we talked about everything that I seem to like, except Muse. It was the perfect accidental date. He loves art and literature and is very quiet and keeps to himself a lot, which is very similar to me. He even went as far as to say that it was really nice to meet someone that he liked, rather than the people you usually meet and can't stand for more than five minutes.

Anyway, the similarities just kept mounting and then we had to go and get the bus (both going to the same place) and kept flirting more and more. At one point, he accidentally said (no word of a lie) "So what gets you off? I mean... um... where are you getting off?", and his body language was SO flirtatious. Anyway, he said that he would see me on Tuesday and maybe take me to a new art gallery in town.

Then the killer: he casually dropped into conversation "I live in a flat opposite Duke's with my girlfriend".

Is the whole flirtation seriously in my head?! HE INITIATED IT!!!

More importantly, should I persist or should I leave it? It has been a long time since I've had chemistry like this with someone - since Charles. And I don't want to get into the whole business of being the other woman because I've done that and it ended SO BADLY.

HELP!

ashentara

ouch I really didn't expect that shoe to drop when I read your story!! It seemed so perfect!

wait till Tuesday, see how he behaves, and if he's still flirty and all.. if you can muster the courage juste ask him why he's being like that when he has a gf (which can lead to the "yes but I'm not happy with her" talk or to an outraged "what makes you think I was flirting", either way)... then you'll know.

Or wait till he actually initiates a move you know, hug or kiss or something, and ask "aren't you forgetting something" or something along those lines. IF he knows straight away what you mean that probably means that he is very aware he has a girlfriend and is about to cheat. If he honestly seems not to know what you mean.. then even though he has a gf, they're really not close, and the relationship with her is already over in his head.

Know what I mean? (I can be very confusing, especially this late at night)

TreeHeart

Doh! he has a gf! sucky!

But, that doesn't have to be the end of it. Stephen and I were both with other people when we first met and flirted outrageously for a long time before anything happened. You should just be more persistent than me and tell him if he is interested to drop the other woman.

Best of luck though, it does sound like you were getting on great.

Ham of the Problematique

Thanks for the help guys, it is appreciated. I saw him *again* yesterday, because I went into town to buy 1984 (haha, that's my post count

) anyway, yes so I went into town to buy that because I realised I had lost my copy. Took it up to the counter in Waterstone's and he started talking to me, which made me jump out of my skin because I hadn't noticed that it was him behind the counter. Anyway, he was just as flirty again and we chatted for a while before I left the shop.

I think that the two of you are right - I should be honest about my feelings about the whole girlfriend thing if things develop into a kissing situation or similar. That way lies no good. I seriously can't emphasise enough how much I seem to like him though, it's crazy. I didn't think I could like anyone this much any more.

mr_x

The only bit of advice I can give here is that I've been in the same situation, my first girlfriend happened in a similar way and the only thing I can say is that it may end up badly.

It did for me, basicly she did exactly the same to me as she did to her ex before me before she got with me (if that makes sense!). The way I see it, if they do it once to get with you, what's to say they won't do it again?

However everybody is different, maybe he has his reasons, maybe he's sensing the end of his current relationship and is already out and about scouting the area so to speak, which in my eyes is still a little dodgy.

Maybe he's a stalker? Keeps popping up in all these places.

Ham of the Problematique

Yes, I can see your point and have considered it already, it is a worry. However, I think I will still try to pursue things and see how things go. If I didn't think I could be attracted to anyone this way again, I don't see what I really have to lose.

I just hope things don't go badly... Wish me luck, I'm seeing him tomorrow and he's taking me to an art gallery in the evening

mr_x

SuperGinge

Aww Hannah, that sucks about him having a girlfriend. I can only really echo what everyone else has said though. See how it goes, but if it does end up in a kissing situation, pull him up about it and find out where you stand.
Good luck!

ashentara

Ham of the Problematique

I saw him quite a bit today, as I went to his lecture and then saw him in the library later and we got the bus back to town together.

I went to say hello when we were waiting to go into the lecture and we had a small chat, but he seemed not to want to talk/be any good at talking when my friend was there and his friend was there. He sat by me for the lecture and halfway through I wrote him a note asking if he still wanted to do something after his seminar. I sat there trembling with it in my hand for about 20 minutes, heart pounding, before I gave it to him, he makes me so nervous (in the very best way)! Anyway, when I gave it to him he smiled really flirtily/happily/appreciatively. At the end of the lecture he said that actually he wouldn't be able to see me this evening because he had to go to a work party for someone's birthday, but that he would probably see me tomorrow.

So I was a bit disheartened and went off to my seminar, in which I concentrated on thoughts of Michael and not on Functional-Typological Grammar. After that I was walking across the square hoping to see him (as I knew he was heading back to town straight after his seminar) and someone started talking to me about seeing them tonight and I must have seemed miles away. Anyway, I saw Michael walking over the square and so I said I had to go and went to see if I could talk to him again, but alone this time.

He went into the library so I went in too (I actually did need to get something out, which was good because I would have forgotten otherwise) and I went to find the Chopin before doing a lap of the third floor and then going to say hello. He was sat alone looking at an English Literature book. It was much better now we were talking on our own again, despite having to whisper. The chemistry was very much evident again, and we talked about yet more ways in which we are similar. At this point it was mounting to an insane count.

We then got the books out and went to the bus stop (remember he had that party to go to, and thought I needed to go home, completely forgetting that I was supposed to be in a lecture at that very moment). He made a comment about being stripped completely naked - which, I'm sorry, just *isn't* something you say unless you want the other person to imagine you naked. Anyway we got the same bus and sat together, and he was quiet for a minute.

He then said, unprompted, very quietly with many pauses, "I found you on facebook and was going to add you, but I have a girlfriend and don't want to upset anyone", then gave me a Meaningful Look. I had been told that I shouldn't be at all forward or initiate anything myself, but I figured it was okay to talk about it now as he had brought it up. I said that I understood, but that I had been thinking about him. He said it was lovely to be thought about, and then gave me another Meaningful Look. However, he went on to say that he had been with his girlfriend for a long time and it was "going good" and he would like it if we could be friends. I just said that everything was fine and I understood.

We went back to normal (which was nice, it wasn't at all uncomfortable) and enjoyed each other's company some more. He went as far as to say "I love your shoes. They may be the best shoes I have ever seen", which I said was the highest compliment you could give a girl. He also said that being a mature student (he is 28) he didn't have many friends but that he was incredibly comfortable around me, and I said that it was mutual. I wasn't intending to tell him (I usually get bad responses to it) but I told him that I have Asperger's Syndrome and he was even more flattered that I was able to talk to him comfortably. Then he said "You are very special, but I'd say you have normal needs". Very special! We chatted and joked some more and then swapped mobile numbers, at which point he said that I shouldn't send him messages too much because he spends a lot of time hanging around with his girlfriend.

Then I went home.

I don't know what to think now! He seems to really like me, but he also seems to want to be with his girlfriend. All I can think is that maybe I just need to be patient and eventually he will come around. I can't really do anything else, can I?

PS I'm really sorry for the long ranty post

ashentara

I'm thinking we should rename this thread or maybe have a new one for our boys talk lol

I'm better at giving advice than following it.. I'd say give it some time, indeed it's the best way to let things happen on their own, you know? I'm a firm believer in "if it's meant to be, it will be" so if it's meant to happen, it will. Don't forget that many a relationship starts with involved parties already in relationships... I'm not saying it's always a good thing, and I totally understand Chris' point earlier, but well, it does happen quite a lot. Some relationships just fizzle out, or time out, or whatever... I mean, look at what he TOLD you. If he was 100% happy with his gf, would he even try to explain all that?? If he was absolutely sure of himself and his relationship, he wouldn't feel bad about adding you on Facebook or texting you - there would be no ambiguity. Know what I mean?

Personally I've had two meaningful relationships in my life, and both times, I never even wondered about my bf cheating on me. When you're happy with your relationship, you don't look at other people that way. Well, just my two cents.. but I really believe that.

As for me.. Volleyball practice again tonight, more time with my crush... I'm totally confused as well, he's giving me mixed signals. Like... last week we exchanged like 40 emails maybe in the course of a few days, and even over the week-end, and it made us that much closer - like you Hannah I feel such a chemistry it's almost overwhelming. Well, who am i kidding, it IS overwhelming.
Then after all those emails Sunday/Monday I didn't hear from him, figured he was busy, but this morning I sent him a text asking him if he was ok because I was genuinely worried there was something wrong, and he replied with a very disappointing "yes, why are you asking?". I weaseled my way out of it and tried to not analyse everything as I usually do... and then out of the blue he mailed me this afternoon and it was back to the email craziness and fun for a few hours. And when he got to our sports hall tonight, I'd say he only had eyes for me. He was all smiles and meaningful looks throughout the practice.. we were on the same team and we had a blast. Someone pointed out that we were a very good fit on the field - I'm a setter, he's an attacker, and we scored a lot of points together lol

Anyway. Long rant for me too... I guess I'll have to follow my own advice and let whatever's supposed to happen, happen.

Ham of the Problematique

I split the thread so we have a whole new place to obsess over our tangled love lives.

It's so odd that he would reply to your text like that after you talked so much at the weekend! It's good that he was back to normal when you actually saw him though - maybe he was just having a bad couple of days? I don't know. Men are difficult.

I saw Michael again today and we sat together in the lecture and shared the handout (nothing but love poems), then I asked him if he had any place to be or if he wanted to go and get a cup of tea. He said that he did have a place to be, then once we were clear of all the people he started communicating to me properly what his worries were. He said that because of his feelings for me and the fact that we discussed it yesterday, he couldn't spend time with me any more because our relationship to one another was now put into that context and he couldn't think of me any other way. Obviously he can't do anything about it and so chatting outside of lectures, getting coffee together, even sitting together in lectures, to him felt inappropriate because of our feelings for one another. I said that it was understandable but that I was disappointed. He then apologised for 'being a bastard' and gave me another one of those LOOKS. The ones that mean 'I really, really like you'. And he said 'I'm sorry. You're a really wonderful person' and that he didn't want to hurt me by not being able to leave his girlfriend. I then went to get the bus and he went to the library, but before we parted ways he said that he would see me around and I said 'Well, if anything were to change... you know where I am... to be... inappropriate'. And he smiled and said (as a Superman quote) 'I'm always around'.

ashentara

this is gonna end well for u Han, my instinct says so

and I trust my instinct

ashentara

How is it going Han? Any update?

hugzzzz

Ham of the Problematique

No, I've seen him a couple of times but we haven't talked, he's just waved and smiled regretfully and walked on. Can't see any development happening very soon if one happens at all, given that he lives with her.

SuperGinge

Okay, I need to rant. I apologise.

There's a guy, obviously

. I've been speaking to him quite a bit lately, and i've started having feelings towards him... I went round his on Tuesday and we just watched movies and cuddled and it was soooo nice. It was like, I actually forgot there was a 'real world' outside of his room (I know, lame), and I just didn't want to go home. So I go home and he said he had a fantastic time as well, which made me well happy, and he was like 'you should come round again'.
But it's not that simple. He has a girlfriend (of course). AND his ex-girlfriend is going out with the guy I was hung up on for like, 3 years. So people are going to think i'm doing it as some sort of 'revenge' thing to her, when it's really nothing like that.
And to top it all off he's barely spoken to me since after I got back from his. I don't know whether i've done something to offend/upset him, or if he's just decided he really doesn't like me all that much... =/ I just reallly miss him, even though I saw him like, 3 days ago

.
I also hate holidays like halloween because everyone in my family is going out, leaving me at home on my own. FML.
Guhhh. I thought venting would make me feel a bit better. It hasn't. I just want to curl up in my bed for a bit.

ashentara

I'm so sorry you're feeling bad hon
I'm not sure what to say regarding that guy. His behaviour is.. weird to say the least. As usual, I'd say "give it some time"... and as usual, that piece of advice sucks. I know. I've been given it too many times too. I really, sincerely hope it gets better

SuperGinge

ashentara

Men ARE confusing aren't they? We need a manyclopedia or something.
I'm starting to believe that my ex was maybe right in saying that the "Men are from Mars, women from Venus" thing was dead on... Though he was just a jerk lol.

Men dont function as we do. That I know for sure. It's not only about men/women (gender), there's a lot about personality too.. but it sure is confusing.

Anyhow, yeah, go for it, I mean, if you don't hear from him, go ask him what game he's playing. You have nothing to lose.

In all my years of dating (ah ah) I've learnt that: being honest and straightforward works.

Ham of the Problematique

Know what you mean there. If I were you, I'd try to wait for him to make a move (which hopefully he will, be it romantically, talking to you or getting rid of the girlfriend - but don't set much hope by that) and then you'll be able to talk about it openly or at least know where you stand with it all. I hope things resolve themselves soon.

SuperGinge

SuperGinge

Seeing him on Tuesday.

Ham of the Problematique

Oooh yay! Let us know how it goes, what the developments are.

SuperGinge

Will do!

SuperGinge

Guhhh. He's just turned round and said 'dunno whether to bother tomorrow'
so now i'm not seeing him tomorrow.

Great.

Ham of the Problematique

What the hell is he playing at?!

ashentara

yep same reaction here. What's going on???

SuperGinge

I have no idea to be honest.
He texted me during Sociology asking if I still wanted to meet up. I was tempted to text back saying no, but he'd sent me a message yesterday saying that he was sorry that if it seemed he was being off with me, he was just feeling a bit down.
I think I just caught him in a bad mood yesterday.
But anyway, I met up with him today and we just talked about music and cuddled, it was nice ^_^ I still don't know where I stand though, because he has a girlfriend.

I don't know what's wrong with me really, I keep saying I should get out now before I get too attached, but I don't want to....

/confusion

ashentara

I bet he's just as confused as you are though. Ahem, cuddling with another girl when you have a girlfriend.. seriously!!

As for me, it seems my relationship with Mr Crush is headed towards deep friendship or something like that. We seem to be able to spend hours discussing tough stuff like death, disease, etc, and in a very easy way (ie no bickering), but profound all the same. the kind of thing that leaves you wondering afterwards about all sorts of things, thinking about everything but the everyday stuff.. Emotionally draining.
Anyway, it's all good, I love that kind of stuff and our connection, but I don't think it's going anywhere else

oh, and guess what? He's still thinking about his ex. Damn!

SuperGinge

ashentara

He blocked you? On MSN you mean?
Wow.
Either he's a very quick-tempered fellow, or he's just impolite. Either way he needs to apologize. Or I'll make him

Yeah, I'm not giving up hope *just yet* as my b-day bash is coming up on Saturday. We'll see.
The weird thing is, now that I've finally moved on a bit and have feelings for a guy, there's a couple of other guys who are .. ahem... pursuing me if you know what I mean. What is it? Like a big radar thing on my head saying "she's back on the market"?

But I only have one guy in my heart right now. So we'll see if there's a chance of it developing or not. After that.. well, we'll see.

god I hope I don't have many decisions to make today. It's all "we'll see" this morning ah ah

SuperGinge

ashentara

Just give him some time. and trust your gut. He's the one who needs to figure things out, not you. Sometimes we so want to make people see things and stuff, but they need to see it in their own time. It can't be helped. Everyone's got to walk their path.. some people take longer than others.
But if there's a connection, it will happen

as for me, I'll let you know tomorrow/Sunday how it went. We're having a "wine and cheese" party

Ham of the Problematique

He insulted you for 20 minutes and then blocked you?! What on earth?

SuperGinge

TreeHeart

If I was you Hannah, and I am not, I wouldn't go with him to the gig. He is just being an arse by the sounds of it, he gets to have you and this other girl!
Leave him alone a while and if he is going to leave his gf then he will. Don't let it be easy just for him. Give yourself a break from him.

Back in my day before the internet and sms, things happened over days, now things change in an instant! haha

SuperGinge

Haha yeah, I didn't go to the gig in the end. I was talking to him on msn the other day and he told me he doesn't have a girlfriend. He said they were together but now they're not, but then his facebook still says he's in a relationship with her....it's so confusing!

ashentara

He sounds like he's the one who is confused, not you, sweetheart. Don't let it get to you.

SuperGinge

I can't help it.

We kissed on Thursday and haven't spoke since...I think that's a bad sign...

ashentara

I know u can't help it, I wasn't suggesting that.
Just try to think about the good and the bad. Keep your head clear, that's what I mean. As much as possible. And give it time.
Maybe confront him when the time is right?

SuperGinge

Yeah, I think that's probably the best idea....all this not knowing is confusing me...

Thanks Manu

ashentara

oh, anytime sweetie.

whatever "wisdom" my old age can contribute..

hugs